April 22, 2014


Just got back from OC. Spent a few days visiting with Mom, Gabe, and David.  It's really hard to  watch Mom existing in this limbo. Most days she really can't have a conversation anymore. But yesterday she was more lucid than usual, and was able to tell me how unhappy she is! It was hard to know what to say. But I was touched that when I told her about Nacho's death, she said "I'm sorry. You really loved him, didn't you?" Truly I didn't know if she would even remember him, let alone care.

I told Mom about my upcoming surgery. I would have liked to have a deeper conversation about it, but that's not possible anymore. So I put it really simply, and she wished me good luck.

I go home feeling frustrated and powerless. I have no idea how much longer Mom will survive. It's been a year since she basically stopped eating. And with my surgery coming up, I'm not sure how long it will be until I can travel again. I don't know if that was our final goodbye or not. My feeling of limbo and uncertainty sort of mirrors her condition. Neither of us is happy.

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